An "E" in My Spelling of "Phobia"

“One of the most common phobias is public speaking, which is really just a distant echo, a reflection of the Universal Phobia. We fear getting in front of large groups and taking an action that might result in making us a target for their aggression. Again, this is not rational. It is an irrational fear—a phobia.” – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman

I often tell the story of how when I was in high school I would not get up in front of my classmates to give an oral report. I would take an “E” and fail that assignment before I would open myself up to what I perceived as the judgmental gazes of teachers and classmates, dissecting my perceptions, creativity or interpretations of the assignments. Now I am able to tell this story to groups of people that my job requires me to make presentations to, people who are strangers, friends and others who want to see me make a fool of myself (my perception). So I have somewhat been able to overcome the mostly debilitating fear of talking in front of people.

However, I always suspected that there was something terribly, inherently wrong with me, a defect, a character flaw, a weakness. And I thought that way for a very long time and only recently began to look at it differently and to work very hard to try to overcome my fears.

For most of my adult life, I was able to hide behind my job and lifestyle. You did not have to speak to groups of people when you run a printing press or sit behind a computer monitor as a graphic artist. I was able to control my interactions to very small groups and one-on-one confrontations and always without me being the center of attention. A listener. A minor role-player. A participant and never, never a leader.

I tried to tackle my fears in my late 20’s when I was a lay reader for the church I attended at that time of my life, but I still remember the scary out-of-body feeling (and not the Holy Ghost kind) that standing before and reading to a congregation felt like. Alone and vulnerable come to mind as how I would describe my state of being. I quickly abandoned that effort and reverted to the comfort of quiet obscurity, existing in the shadows of church life.

Things change however, and I was eventually kicked from the nest so to speak, and told my duties would now entail speaking and presenting to programs to groups of mostly strangers. To say I went about this easily would be most incorrect. I went more like kicking and screaming (all inside my battered brain) into this new, terrifying role. I was given PowerPoint as a tool and quickly learned that it is a fabulous tool but in the wrong hands will bore people literally to the brink of death, if not the desire to commit suicide to have it (the PowerPoint that is) end. Quickly you learn that PowerPoint is a fabulous tool, but without the skills and any idea how to make it work it’s as useless as a drill without a drill bit and a plan on how to use it. A tool is nothing without the skill of a mechanic, contractor or a chef to produce a quality product. So I needed to learn my toolbox, practice and learn to relax and to believe, really believe that people wanted to hear what I had to say and develop a way to make what I said interesting and even add a bit of appropriate humor.

So though I have changed a bit, I am still basically an introvert. Presentations wear me out, but I no longer feel as if I am defective. In a book I recently read called “Quiet: The Power of the Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain, I finally came to understand myself as being OK. Not defective. Not overflowing with character flaws (though I have a few of those). Not an outcast or an anomaly. Not alone in my favored form of existence, which is solitude. I also gained insights from this book that the wife shares the introverts craving of quiet introspection as I do.

I understand more clearly, that I can be a person of strength and still be an introvert. And still matter.

More:

The wife’s post on this subject is here.

Susan Cain talks about introverts and extroverts, TED TV

Quiet, Please: Unleashing the Power of Introverts, NPR

Book review of Quiet, Good Reads

Laugh Away Your Anger

Does anyone remember laughter? -- Robert Plant

Sometimes I laugh at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes I laugh at the most inappropriate things. Sometimes I laugh so I don’t cry. Sometimes the thing I am laughing about will cause my wife to furl her brow at me, as stern a warning needed for me to turn off my internal laugh track. But I also know a secret about her, she can't laugh at the things I say when we run together. She has to stop and tell me "Don't make me laugh." Then she gets a little mad because she stopped running because of me.

The thing that I have noticed is that when I laugh, I do not feel angry. The two are mutually exclusive to each other. Like pouring water on a campfire, laughter extinguishes the flames of angry immediately. With a hiss, all the meanness of your thoughts turn to white smoke and steam.

I have also noticed that laughter—genuine laughter—can quiet shouting voices in a room. Other people upset with you tend to be rendered speechless by a face cackling with laughter. Truly speechless. I have witnessed the jaws go slack and the bile of their words literally dry their throats so they can't make any noise.

Being a storyteller myself (or shameless exaggerator according to the wife), I love to tell tales with laughter in them. It doesn’t matter if the stupid joke is on me or not as long as the words generate laughter. It allows me to look back on my experiences and re-live them and also laugh about them at the same time. Take the many frustrations of my life and weave them into the part of the story that will allow me to laugh about it.

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” said the great satirist and author Kurt Vonnegut. I take strength from these words especially coming from someone who suffered much with some of the heaviest of matters throughout his life. So I am going to try to keep laughing to try and keep from crying.

So a Rabbi, a Priest and President Obama walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and with disgust says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Did you feel any anger after reading this joke? Even if you didn't laugh.

Rhythm

“Soul gets lost when life can’t go on its rhythmic way, and soullessness is the ultimate cause of deep dissatisfaction.” – Thomas Moore

Finding a happy rhythm in my life is important to satisfying my soul. When my soul’s rhythm gets disrupted, I feel violated. Sure, I should be able to deal with routine changes—curves in the road—but the straightaways of living are more consistent with moving forward and require much less energy than steering and navigating twisting, bending terrain.

I know, I know, many say “change is good.”  Is it? I have to say yes and no. Yes, it is good when it has a meaningful direction, say steering a ship away from a crashing reef or correcting a course to successfully reach port. Nautical comparisons aside, these types of actions prevent disaster, disarray, and failures. Course corrections can return a person to the mission or journey they were sailing toward. Sorry, left in those nautical comparisons.

Now for the No. The “no” of change is the type of change for the sake of change. I call this another way of battling the boredom that some people have for the types of things that become somewhat routine. We have heard of “shake-ups” at places or “ breaking-up the routine” of tasks. These types of change can motivate and stimulate if they are presented with transparency and input. When it is dictated without any sense of the logical reason or proof (or danger) that a change of direction is needed, faith in that change often flounders and is difficult to embrace. I will listen all day to valid reasons and evidence when given the chance because I want great finishes and successful ends to my efforts as much as anyone. But let me be a part of the conversation for Pete’s sake.

So here is where the soul becomes a tricky entity concerning change and supporting a persons healthy rhythm. Every person is different, not identical parts on an assembly line. In this comparison, you can’t shut the line down, re-tool and start-up assembly again producing a new, different or refined product. The soul is what goes into the creation and it is a very delicate blend of love, faith, hope, dreams, compassion, purpose, devotion, empathy, joy, and good humor.  For the soul to be creative—which by the way, creativeness most always leads to change—it needs to be rhythmically mentored and it is not always the fastest approach that works. “People don’t resist change,’ said Dean Ornish, “they resist being changed.”

Resistance by definition, is a body’s ability to fight hurtful and harmful things. It takes time for me to lower my natural resistance and to embrace and accept change. And with time, even the deepest dissatisfaction may fade.

Stress Is...Painful

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment ~ Marcus Aurelius

Stress is killing me. Literally and figuratively. Now don’t get me wrong, much of it is ordinary stress. Our bodies and our mind as they age are literal victims of the stress of just living and breathing and existing in time. Who would have thought you could have sore muscles from sitting hours in a tree stand hunting deer, at a desk at work or even a long ride in a car or motorcycle? I like to think of this as causeless soreness or stress…even though it hurts literally like a vigorous work-out would hurt. The price I pay for more than a half century of living.

As for the figurative side of things, relief is obtainable if you can find a way to extinguish the triggers that are causing the anxious aches and pains of the heart and mind. As an example, anyone who is a parent has said (or at least thought), “Son (or daughter, substitute at will where appropriate), you’re killing me.” Now they were not actually sticking a knife in your heart, poisoning your food or digging a tiger trap in your path to the lawnmower. But they were definitely contributing to a loss of balance in your cortisol levels. Those Fred Sanford moments. If you don’t remember Fred…Google him. To relieve those chest pains I have a couple suggestions that you can adapt to different circumstances that worked for me:

·     Screaming. At. The. Top. Of. Your. Lungs!

·     Vigorously splitting firewood with a maul and a wedge (I highly recommend this if a specific person is responsible for the stress. Visualization of what you are splitting is delightfully relieving).

·     Refer your stressor to someone who can help or even cares. I remember a specific time I was “being mean” to my daughter and she told me should would call social services on me. I wrote the number down and put it on the refrigerator and told her to call it and I was sure they would be right out to pick her up because I was “mean to her.” Footnote: she never called.

In the meantime I have to find a way to unclench my teeth and fists. Stop trying to run from what is chasing me. I was afraid to stop for fear it would catch me, but that may be actually the best plan. Slam on the brakes and get it over with. Let it pile up on top of itself like a chain-reaction freeway accident. 

Then and maybe only then will I be able to survey the wreck, access the clean-up costs and start to repair the damage. Or I could just start by screaming.

Humility's Fall

“The sky begins at your feet.” – Hopi chant

I often forget my humility. I don’t act badly…I take humility for granted. I get so caught up in the tasks at hand, mixed with a little pride about what I am trying to accomplish, and find myself with my head in the clouds.

That’s when I tend to have forgotten the very legs, my own, that I am standing on to be in this position with a view of the top side of clouds. I take my support for granted I even believe that there are those out there that have my back, only to find that they are sawing off my legs at the ankles. And when that happens I feel that reminder of my rump on the earth as I suddenly take a fall. Ouch! On many levels.

I’ve taken a few of these falls more than a few times. I am only grateful that they were not fatal to my goals and were from only a height that could be measured by my own deeds and failings. There have been many men and women who have reached far greater heights than I – reached higher stars – and fell from those loftier positions than I ever will. They fell from a height that could be attributed from elevations supported by piles of treasure, bodies of people who stood in the way or just spoils of earth.

I on the other hand, have only crashed from the height that is measured from the low place where my feet touch the earth to the height of my outstretched arms.

Some powerful and ambitious souls, don’t often survive the crashes that they experience, figuratively or literally when the truth is revealed. After all, if you were standing on my shoulders, what would make me want to put the effort into catching you if you fall? And what would make me just step out of the way and let you tumble to the ground?

 It would all depend on how you arrived on my shoulders.

The picture above is of Hopi Indians and they are performing their traditional "Rattlesnake Dance."

Thin Mints Do Not Need to Help Me be Thin

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." --Fran Lebowitz

So I wait months for the Girl Scout cookies to arrive. Purchased from my niece, the last Girl Scout presently in the family. I forgo the Girl Scout stands that have been popping up all over town for the past month with those little sashed hucksters trying their best to unload the surplus stock that their troops get stuck with every year. Those remaining boxes that didn't get sold. The broken carton stock. Using my willpower to patiently get the order that I placed with little Girl Scout Alex. Gotta support those troops.

We finally have the cookie drop arranged and the exchange of money and cookies takes place in the parking lot after a family get together. We even helped out by purchasing some of the surplus cookies on top of our already large caloric order. All the more cookies to enjoy and share with those less fortunate or less susceptible to 10-year-old extortionists/salesgirls/fundraisers and their leaders.

Now I need to say right away that anyone that knows much about me can attest to my love of the Girl Scout cookie known as the Thin Mint. I am the kind of person that orders lots of them. They find their way into the freezer at our house and are enjoyed most of the year. And when they are gone short of the time that they can be re-ordered it is upsetting indeed. The last remaining box is usually rationed out like it was all the food left and I was adrift at sea or stranded in the arctic.

So that night after arriving home, the wife breaks open the Thin Mints and we share a few. She's chewing and I'm chewing and we are in different rooms and we are thinking the same thing. What the Hell have they done to the cookies? They have lost all recognition to the lovely, joyful and gratifying taste sensation that they used to be. They are like badly chocolate-mint flavored cardboard with a sidewalk chalk aftertaste. And I am not exaggerating. They have went the same way as Oreo's and Chips Ahoy cookies.

The food manufactures are seriously ruining the taste of life for me. A Thin Mint does not need to be healthy it needs to taste good. That's why I buy them. I don't buy Girl Scout broccoli and spinach cookies. I not only like food but at times (most) I want it to taste good. I don't need to eat a whole sleeve of Thin Mints but too bad if I do. I am the one that lives with the stomach ache and the tight waistband.

So this is my plea...Give me back the great cookies that were. Scout's honor, I will buy an extra box or two for your troop.

And don't let me get started about what the Boy Scouts have done to their popcorn.

Wellness By My Definition

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." -- Doug Larson

In our pursuit of wellness, what is the defining goal that we are seeking?  When I look back at the interesting and varied blog entries that my wife Karen has provided on her blog, The Wellness Writer, I can't help but suspect that the answer would be...many goals for many different people! 

Wellness to some of us may be beauty and spirituality that comes with meditation, yoga and communing with nature.  That feeling of achieved mindfulness that delivers calming waves to spirit and soul.  Opening our eyes by creating that stillness in our former busy brain.

It may be finally understanding how to cope with a particular dilemma in our diet, or how to feel good about the food we eat and truly need to live with energy, vibrancy and long-term health.  Karen great advice and references help navigate us through the storm of information and misinformation that is in the news, on the internet or sold to us as truths by the people that we encounter.

You may find your definition of wellness in the way you feel mornings when you wake, after a walk, having coffee with friends or when you leave church after a satisfying Sunday service.  It may be losing a bit of weight unexpectedly or without any real dieting decision and noticing that your clothes fit a little looser (better!).  Climbing those same stairs and not feeling so winded when you reach the top.

Feelings of wellness may also sneak up on us expectantly.  Look around at the everyday things you do and the places that you do them.  I personally believe that we often undervalue the simple pleasures that are just “there”.  We expect a struggle, sacrifice or loss to achieve wellness goals.  Couldn't wellness be how you feel having the quiet corner office at work?  The quiet empty house all to yourself?  Listening in the car to the music it seems only you can stand?  

Wellness can be long term achievements...but it may also come in hundreds of  brief moments.  Don't fail to realize those instances and enjoy them

Mitch's Surefire Wellness Ingredients  

This recipe should be adjusted for personal tastes and fun.

Coffee every morning (sometimes into the afternoon)

Fishing

Running for exercise (with Karen, who keeps me motivated, but she says I keep her moving)

Officiating football

Reading books to expand and contract the mind

Music (from Johnny Cash to Phillip Glass)

My aquarium continues to astonish me

Hugs with the ones I love

Drawing (or doodling during work meetings)

My 1962 Nova restoration project

Asking questions of everyone (even strangers) for I am naturally curious

Having the best Registered Dietitian for a wife (all foods fit)