I Should Abandon the Word Should

“Should is a futile word. It's about what didn't happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.” ― Margaret Atwood, from the novel 'The Blind Assassin'

I recently came across an amazing list of “shoulds” on the Psychology Today website, and to summarize it, try reading the following in one breath: "You should be grateful to be alive, forgive, be compassionate, meditate, give back, be able to do nothing, be productive, de-clutter, take more trips, appreciate what you have, spend more time with your kids, want to spend more time with your kids, have more fun, spend less time on technology, have more sex, want to have more sex, laugh more, lose weight, exercise more, drink less, and be happier."

Whew! Not my list but I sure can relate.

But what is my point? For me, should is a word that is usually related to something that I feel I need to do but not necessarily something that I may want to do. It is actually an enemy to my healthy mental health hopes. Even though some of the things in the above list are awesome, fulfilling, and satisfying things to do, like meditation, exercise, and sex, “should” can’t be trusted. Many times with me, I use “should” in relation to how I believe I need to feel about something. It is tied to physical actions, emotional responses, and hunches while still involving taking actions, having feelings and expressing emotions. "Shoulds" try to make something out of what may be nothing.

Simple examples from me: I am sick, but I should still go to work. I should learn that skill to be a more well-rounded person. I should not feel bad about what has happened.

Expectations that our brain puts on our actions can be assholes and dictators, who try hard to tell us who we should be, what we should be, and how we should be. A great alternative to what you say and think is to replace should with could.

" I could learn a new skill."

"I could go to work even though I am sick, or I could stay home." 

"I could choose what emotion to dwell on about what happened."

It also helps when the wife reminds me that "There you go 'should-ing' yourself again" when she catches me at it. 

I am lucky to have her in my corner.