Thin Mints Do Not Need to Help Me be Thin

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." --Fran Lebowitz

So I wait months for the Girl Scout cookies to arrive. Purchased from my niece, the last Girl Scout presently in the family. I forgo the Girl Scout stands that have been popping up all over town for the past month with those little sashed hucksters trying their best to unload the surplus stock that their troops get stuck with every year. Those remaining boxes that didn't get sold. The broken carton stock. Using my willpower to patiently get the order that I placed with little Girl Scout Alex. Gotta support those troops.

We finally have the cookie drop arranged and the exchange of money and cookies takes place in the parking lot after a family get together. We even helped out by purchasing some of the surplus cookies on top of our already large caloric order. All the more cookies to enjoy and share with those less fortunate or less susceptible to 10-year-old extortionists/salesgirls/fundraisers and their leaders.

Now I need to say right away that anyone that knows much about me can attest to my love of the Girl Scout cookie known as the Thin Mint. I am the kind of person that orders lots of them. They find their way into the freezer at our house and are enjoyed most of the year. And when they are gone short of the time that they can be re-ordered it is upsetting indeed. The last remaining box is usually rationed out like it was all the food left and I was adrift at sea or stranded in the arctic.

So that night after arriving home, the wife breaks open the Thin Mints and we share a few. She's chewing and I'm chewing and we are in different rooms and we are thinking the same thing. What the Hell have they done to the cookies? They have lost all recognition to the lovely, joyful and gratifying taste sensation that they used to be. They are like badly chocolate-mint flavored cardboard with a sidewalk chalk aftertaste. And I am not exaggerating. They have went the same way as Oreo's and Chips Ahoy cookies.

The food manufactures are seriously ruining the taste of life for me. A Thin Mint does not need to be healthy it needs to taste good. That's why I buy them. I don't buy Girl Scout broccoli and spinach cookies. I not only like food but at times (most) I want it to taste good. I don't need to eat a whole sleeve of Thin Mints but too bad if I do. I am the one that lives with the stomach ache and the tight waistband.

So this is my plea...Give me back the great cookies that were. Scout's honor, I will buy an extra box or two for your troop.

And don't let me get started about what the Boy Scouts have done to their popcorn.

Hide and Trick the Treaters

And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed—if all records told the same tale—then the lie passed into history and became truth. 'Who controls the past' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past."-- George Orwell, 1984, Book 1, Chapter 3

This is true. I could not make this stuff up. Seriously.

The United States Department of Agriculture is giving $2 million to food behavior scientists to use marketing tricks to encourage kids to pick fruits and veggies over cookies and french fries.

Some of the ideas include hiding chocolate milk behind plain milk, putting the salad bar near checkout, placing fruit in pretty baskets and accepting only cash as payment for desserts.

“I’m sorry, cash only for the croissant.”

They could have given me $2 and I would have told them the same thing. This is why my mom used to hide the Christmas cookies from us. But really, the key word to what the USDA is encouraging is “trick” and I find that quite scary. Will they start piping subliminal messages during school announcements when they are telling the kids the featured “good food” on the day’s menu? Chocolate milk is bad…eat your salad…desert will make you fat.

The dirty trick of a treat we used to get at Halloween was the apples and popcorn balls. I could get apples anytime stolen from the neighborhood Catholic retreat house orchards (will probably burn in Hell for those youthful offenses) and stale popcorn balls were no treat. And then the food safety risks of those foods destined most of them to the trash bin. Wrapped candy was more desired than produce.

At least we got exercise while running around collecting candy on Halloween. After all, you had 2 hours to hit every house in the town, sometimes twice if you came up with a creative second costume that disguised your identity enough to fool your neighbors.

So remember what food was like in the past. Chocolate milk tasted like chocolate. We could eat Wonder Bread around peanut butter and jelly (made with real sugar). Cap’n Crunch cereal could get you high in the morning before school. And we ran like banshees till the street lights came on.

So keep control of the past by remembering the good things we had so we can guide the future.