Synonyms of Patience

"Patience is necessary, and one cannot reap immediately where one has sown."

-Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

Kierkegaard was nothing short of a physical representation of anxiety. Reading his philosophy causes me to feel anxious, yet that is the beauty of it, to be in touch with the difficult concepts that I wrestle with inside my head. Concepts like faith, God, nihilism, absurdity, authenticity, despair, the search for meaning, and individualism.

Yeah. That is a big, often terrifying batch of wonder to explore. However, I start to feel like Kierkegaard looks in my accompanying pencil sketch when I read his scribblings. Writing that is angry, glaring, purposeful, steely-eyed literary angst personified.

Why then, do I read him? I suppose, for balance, to counter the darkness that Kierkegaard’s words and thoughts paint across my brain. 

Oh, did I mention Nietzsche? There is another terrifying philosopher I study to keep myself off-balance. I expose myself to these types of writings and writers to help steady my understanding of a world that is seemingly plummeting and tumbling in a trajectory toward existential destruction and dread, carrying with it, the people heavily weighted down with all the problems of a modern life. At least that is how I understand other influential thinkers post-Kierkegaard such as Sartre, Camus, and Beauvoir when they interpret the human condition in their respective philosophies.

Looking for meaning oftentimes actually feels the opposite to me, in a sense that I end up losing some meaning in the search. I can be left with only finding that ideas and perspectives I am exploring more deeply, end up having their meaning sucked out of them, and what should be rational and reasonable concepts end up as just additional confusing paradoxes. 

And this is where exercising patience does its magic. Doing the difficult sitting with uncertainty about concepts such as “meaning.”

For me, it all really boils down to the particular need to try and really know myself. Sometimes the answers come and sometimes they don't. Often times I am asking more and deeper questions. And this pursuit for me is building strengths and tearing down resistance as a thinking human being…a process I am trying to be more comfortable and patient with.

Patience and the Check-Out Line

"Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue." --Ambrose Bierce

I have a lot to learn about patience. A whole lot. Like how to remain calm while the lady in front of me takes forever to write a check for her groceries. Who hasn't heard of a debit card these days. Banks give them to you free. They work just like a check. Oh, my mistake, you can't talk about the cashier and her latest family crisis while you run a debit card.  Only when you can slowly scribe out a check, writing one line at a time, can you make time stop. For everyone behind you in line too. Put down the pen, listen, write another line on the check, talk and listen some more. Well, you get the point. I must be invisible, standing with my cold, getting warmer 6-pack of beer and my cold, getting warmer gallon of milk. Glad was I that I didn't have a craving for ice cream. In fact, this is the truth, her daughter had taken the cart to the car and unloaded the groceries and was on her way back into the store by the time she received her receipt. I am not lying. She knew there were people in line behind her but she just didn't care.

And I smiled when she looked at me. But I was not happy inside.

Inconsiderate shopper #2. Once again, I found myself behind the customer who's clueless to the world of 2nd hand retail give-a-damn. She found a great deal on a steamer machine. $9.99. Was going home and steam her shower curtain. Who steams a shower curtain? Telling everyone around her about how she has always wanted one. I'm thinking, "Wouldn't $9.99 buy a new shower curtain?" Then the lady in front of her starts talking about her "find". Pottery Barn towels and wash cloths. 1 towel, 2 washcloths and I believe 3 hand towels. Yes, granted, not a whole set, but they are "Pottery Barn". I'm wondering to myself if the 1st lady wants to steam the Pottery Barn towels for shopper #2? All the while, heavily tattooed salesgirl, with a barbed wire and flaming skull preference in tattoos, seen by the revealing, shall I say trampish apparel that she is working in, could care less how fast this line is moving. Hourly worker or possibly community service work are her reason for getting up today.

So, my patience is being tested, I want my two $.99 cent flower pots and my baseball umpire pants that I found in this store and move to my next destination. But wait, I thought it couldn't get more bizarre, steam lady hands the cashier a gift card and explains, "Not quite sure how much is left, but I will pay the rest in change." Change?

Steamer total with tax: $10.59
Gift card: $4.65.
Change: $5.94
Counting out the change: This is where it gets good. Customer dumps pile of change on counter by register. Quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies. Huge pile of coins. Looks at cashier for what to do next. Silence and no movement by either soul. "Could you count it out for me?" Cashier begins counting.

My head didn't explode, but it wanted to. Right then I felt like Barbara Johnson when she said, "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.”

My total:$6.01. I hand the cashier girl a ten. I smile and say, I don't have a penny. She hands me back four ones. "I don't want to count out $.99 to you, guess my register will be a penny off." We both smile a little at each other. She gets it and I don't.